An unfiltered stream of consciousness moment . . .
There is something waiting to be birthed from me. My soul’s longing is so strong, yet my human mind/ego is working hard to keep it hidden. What am I afraid of? Failure? Success? Abandonment? Embarrassment? Making changes to my lifestyle and choices? I know that on a deep level, I “know” what the fear is about. Now how do I tap into that? At the same time I seem to be doing a better job remembering to be compassionate towards myself, my ego is saying “fuck you” even louder. An internal standoff of sorts. When I pray for guidance or ask Goddess and the Angels for assistance, that mind/ego gets louder, wants to scream, wants to distract, wants to drown out The Voice of Truth. Resistance is strong. “Creator/Mother-Father God/Life, please open me up to the Truth. In a way that doesn’t involve a cosmic 2×4, please.” I feel so disconnected. From myself. From Source. From others. As if I’m watching myself go through the motions. It’s not very exciting. And I’m sad to see how much time and energy I’m wasting not doing what I came here (to this planet) to do. What does my soul want? What does my little girl need? How do I find the energy to move in the direction of my dreams? Lots of judgment right now. Mostly towards myself. Feeling selfish. Wanting to hibernate. Withdraw. I have zero enthusiasm. So I ask, what is my desire? What will be most healing? What will bring me peace? I will sit quietly and listen.